Well I think I worked out why my doctors dates are different to mine (besides me giving her the wrong date!) She must've worked out the EDD on a 32 day cycle instead of 28 because I remember her asking how long my cycles were. So I think that's why she came back with the 30th, not the 27th.

Anyhoo, morning sickness is starting to kick in - albeit a bit early for me. I didn't start getting sick with Ella until I was 8-9weeks. I remember because people kept asking whether I had morning sickness and I was proud to say "nope!"...until it kicked in!

It isn't too bad this time around (yet) so I can't complain. I just feel very seedy and nauseas but haven't felt the need to throw up (yet!) so I'm taking that as a blessing!

However, I do welcome morning sickness. Not only does it start to confirm for me, the fact that I am actually finally pregnant, but I also remember reading somewhere during my last pregnancy, that MS is actually natures little tradeoff, and women who experience it are less likely to miscarry. So I'm happy to suffer during my first trimester if it means a healthy bub!

So my ultrasound is on Friday at 9am. I have to drink the dreaded 1 litre of water before 8am and then take Ella to physio at 8.30am. I really hope she settles down a bit. I took her the other day and she still screams and cries when we get there. It's sad that she already associates hospitals with not-nice experienes. It breaks my heart when she clings to me, begging me not to make her do what we're asking of her....I question whether it is all worth it sometimes.

Anyway, that's about it from me. Thought I'd better update this thing seeing as it seems to be neglected nowdays. Maybe I should re-name it as it is no longer our TTC journal, but our 2nd Pregnancy journal!

It's weird how my doctor seems to have worked out my estimated due date (EDD) 3 days later than what I had. I've used online tools that all say that I am due the 27th July yet she's told me I'm due the 30th?

I did work out that I gave her the wrong date (and have been using the wrong date) of the first day of last AF - I keep saying the 20th October but it was the 21st. Which means that dates are all stuffed up again!!

It doesn't really matter though, I have the dating scan in 2 weeks for that! It seems to be dragging by so slowly....I'm kind of wondering whether this bub will stick....

I have no reason to think that I may miscarry - apparently having PCOS doesn't affect implantation like I thought it did, according to my doctor. But knowing how early it is, and that bub would be no bigger than half a grain of rice, it's entirely plausible that the little mite may not make it. :(

I need the ultrasound to confirm things, I think. Just to double check that it is there and that the 2 HPT were right and I wasn't imagining things! I must admit though, I'm still holding myself back from peeing on another test just to double check....

Anyhooo, not a lot to report - no sickness, nausea, cravings etc. No symptoms whatsoever apart from my boobs are now huge again...

We're back in a waiting game I guess.

Updates!

Wow! I've been in a bit of a daze since getting the long-awaited BFP on Friday!

After no symptoms whatsoever and little reason to test (AF wasn't even late, it was due that day!) I was shocked to finally see that second line pop up almost instantly. I showed hubby who confirmed that there was, indeed, another line but he commented that it was faint. I told him it didn't matter, it pretty much meant that I am pregnant!

I told my sister that afternoon, on the way to buy another HPT for the following morning - just in case! She's the only family member we've told so far. We're waiting until Christmas day (I should be around 9 weeks by then) to tell the Grandparents - thought it'd be a nice suprise for them! I hope!

I was thinking of putting Ella in a shirt that says "Big Sister" or something similar and see who is the first to catch on! Either that, or get a few extra printouts at our 7 week scan and frame them, wrap them up and put "From Santa" on the label....not sure yet!

So I saw my doctor yesterday. I was so afraid of the whole overweight chat but she was actually really good. She went on about my Gardisil injections (for cervical cancer) and whether I was going to get the rest before I stopped her and said "That's a great idea, but I don't think it's such a great idea while I'm pregnant". I think she was a tad shocked but went on to refer me for an ultrasound on the 12th December.

She asked me if I planned to deliver at the Regional and this is when I said that I was over the weight threshold so it depended on how much I can lose/keep off before bub is due. I think she could tell that I knew all the consequences of being an overweight pregnant woman in a country town - which I do.

She assumed I was a public patient, too, because I asked for my ultrasound referral to be at the public hospital (simply because I've been there before and feel 'safer' there for the moment) and said that she is no longer delivering public patients - so I think I may end up going private for this reason - she's a good doctor and I'm hoping that I will eventually be able to give birth here, instead of in Perth.

Either way, it doesn't matter. At this stage I am still trying to get my head around the fact that I am doing this all again!!

Can't wait for the ultrasound, maybe then it'll all seem a bit more real.

BFP!!! BFP!!! BFP!!!!

After 10 long months, look what I got 6.30am this morning........

FINALLY!!!!

Working it out.....

....and I realised that AF is due tomorrow. I hadn't realised how close it was.

In regards to any symptoms I have, nothing. No big boobs, no nausea/tiredness/hungriness. No flutterings or inklings AT ALL. About the only thing I can report is mild cramping which most likely means AF is on her way....


I've made the decision to see my doctor. I will make an appointment today even, just so I don't chicken out and avoid going again. I've been so scared of what she will say. I know that the main thing she will concentrate on is my weight - and I know she is right. I need to get it under control. I just couldn't bear the thought of being turned away, told to lose weight and come back in 6 months time for any more TTC assistance. I think I would go crazy.

I have decided that, if she doesn't want to help until I've lost some weight, that I will be going on a soup diet for a month. It sounds so freakin' extreme but that is just how desperate I am getting.

I don't care HOW I lose the weight, I don't care if I put it all back on once pregnant/bubs is born, I just want to lose it to fall pregnant...if that even works. I want to lose it to show my doctor just how serious I am about having another baby - that I will do anything it takes - including stupid fad diets. I might even buy some Xenical and give that a go too.

I know how irrational all that sounds but I am that desperate to try anything....

It's time. Naturally hasn't worked. We've given it a good go but it's just not working. Now is time for some drastic actions.

It's like a knife stabbing through me....

....and I HATE HATE HATE IT!

If you remember, a few posts back, I attended a friends wedding. That same friend has just announced her pregnancy, she's 14 weeks! Whilst I am so very happy that she's starting her family, I have this distinct feeling of jealousy.

I hate it! Why can't I just be normal and accept that everyone deserves to have their own family and just be happy for them?? I don't want the extra feelings that accompany it.

I literately feel sick. My stomach is churning, there's a lump in my throat and I feel close to tears....I am becoming bitter aren't I?

OH GOD I WANT ANOTHER BABY! PLEASE!

Okay, now the tears are flowing.....

Blissfully Ignorant...for now.

Well I haven't felt the urge to update this thing for about a fortnight now. I know its our TTC blog so I try not to go off topic too much so recently, because I've had nothing to say about TTC, I've just not updated.

I have no idea what CD I am on, or if I've ovulated or when AF is due. I am, as the title suggests, blissfully ignorant...for now.

I know it will come back to bite me on the ass soon, as always.

Gosh, even now I am struggling to think of something to write for this thing but I just honestly don't have anything to say.

Is it possible that I've just had enough of thinking about it and I've simply run out of things to say?

Who knows. Maybe I will be back again soon with something a bit more interesting!

So proud of my man!!

Saturday night was the annual Streetstock Shootout for Geraldton Speedway. As it was also the end meet of a series for Streetstock drivers all over WA, the big guns of the Streetstock division were also in town.

My hubby has raced speedway ever since he was 10 years old. He had a break for a few years once he met me but after while he got itchy feet and started building a newer, better car.

He raced last season but decided to take it easy as he didn't know how to handle this faster car (Streetstock has now been allowed to use fuel-injected cars in the last year or two) and after a crash that nearly broke his collar bone on his second or third meeting.

He managed to walk away with 3rd on points and Best Presented car last season despite this.

A fortnight ago, speedway started up again. Hubby did an amazing job with two firsts, a second and he was leading the feature before he burst a tyre.

He was very nervous for this meeting, the Streetstock Shootout, but after last meeting, I didn't think he had any reason to be - and I was right!!

The first race of the night he managed to come from 5th position to win after an AMAZING race against WA #1 and a few other big guns. He managed a second for the next race and first again for the third which started him in second position for the feature. Along side WA#1 and WA#2 behind him.

The feature laps was 30 laps and it was amazing that there was only 1 restart!! The visiting drivers are known for trying to get away with a bit of roughness but it was a great night all round!

DH managed to finish third after the guy in second place held up the rest of the field for nearly a whole lap. Hubby's car looks a bit worse for wear as he basically pushed the car in second place around the track!!

I am so very proud of him!! He's managed to come back this season with such a bang! He had guys coming up to him and congratulating him on a fantastic drive and asking whether he'd put a new motor in it! They couldn't believe it was the same car from last season.

Another good thing came from this meeting. Beforehand, DH never really spoke much to the visiting drivers, they were the competition I guess and they'd never speak to him really either. But up at the bar that night, they were all talking and getting along like they'd been mates for years.

I am really happy for him!

The ugly witch....

...is here again.

AF arrived this morning.

After a lovely (but busy) weekend again, I am coming back to reality and to what is "at hand" for our TTC business.

AF is nearly 2 weeks late. I tested again on Saturday and again, BFN. I was holding out all hope that perhaps my cycle was extra long this month (still talking September cycle here) and that I have been testing too early. If that is the case, I should be able to safely test now and get a result either way.

I am going to see my doctor for a blood test. I am sick of being up in the air - am I/aren't I? There's still a chance - or is there??

It's starting to really get to me. I am starting to be able to handle all the BFN, it's the complete lack of AF that is getting to me and making me want to just cry. I guess it's just proof again and again that my cycle really is stuffed up - perhaps I don't even ovulate at all??

I am scared of going to the doctors for the BT. For the simple fact is I will have to face the fact that the PCOS really could be fucking things up. I guess it's the prospect of taking the next step that frightens me. We will no longer be doing it on our own, we will have medical advice.

How stupid does that sound??

Anyway. That's where I am at.

A post from an online forum I visit

" I am currently on CD38 (AF is a "week" late) and no sign of AF.

My boobs are sore and hot, I have been so tired it isnt funny but they're about the only 'symptoms' I have and I know enough about my body to realise that this could be quite normal for my body pre-AF.

I did a HPT last Wednesday which was BFN, and then again on Thursday morning (coz I thought FMU would provide a different result ) which was also negative.

Fast forward to this morning, I used FMU for a First Response HPT. At first I thought it was negative - there was no definate line after the required time and there seemed to be dye still running across the strip. I checked a few times in the space of about 10 mins and the dye was still running across the strip but no definate line.

I checked it again after about 30-40mins and there is a very, very, very faint line. So faint it won't even show up on a camera but DH confirmed it was there and I'm not seeing things!!

I know in all reality it is probably an evap line (it's pink though?) and that the test shouldn't be read after the amount of time it says but I can't help but wonder whether I didn't dip the stick for long enough and perhaps this is why the dye took so long to cross the panel, making it hard to see this faint line??

WDYT? I know I should just get another HPT but perhaps someone could shed some light on whether this is an evap line or not?

ETA: Just thought I'd add that I know that if it IS a positive result that it shoud be a lot darker given that AF is technically late. Does anyone know when the latest you can ovulate is?? "

AF still hasn't arrived yet....6 days and counting....



Everything else here is well. We're just about to go to the physio. I am not sure, but I think this week we're getting the plastic cast things (not sure what they're called) that can be taken on and off.



Little miss fell and split her lip open at Grandma's last night. Poor thing! There was blood everywhere. It's a little swollen today and looks a bit sore but she's fine.



We had a great weekend. It was soooo busy that both Ella and I slept soundly Sunday night!



First of all we had speedway on Saturday night. My mum was supposed to look after Ella but because she had an asthma attack the night before I decided to take her with us and give mum a chance to recouperate. Ella behaved very well! She did as she was told and was asleep by 7.30pm.



Duane did really well too! His racing was awesome! Two 1sts, a 2nd and he was leading it in the feature race when he blew a tyre and had to get off onto the infield. Another driving smashed into the side of him on the corner and busted all the side up too but Duane was more annoyed at the tyre!



Sunday we had a lunch with the in-laws and family. It was good but I spent a lot of the time inside with Ella trying to put her to sleep after lunch. She finally went to sleep but only for an hour or so.



That afternoon we went to Duane's brothers house with my brother and his family. They have a Wii and Wii Fit and I think I've convinced Duane to get us one!! YaY!



So yes, that was our weekend, very busy! And I feel bad because we didn't spend much of it with Dad (none at all really) and he went back to work today. Will have to remember to send him a few emails.

AF still hasn't arrived. It's MIA again and it seriously bothers me.

How freaking nasty can life get? As if it wasn't enough to get two BFN now I have to deal with the irregular cycles again.

Seriously thinking of seeing my doctor. I think I'm going to need some help.


Not a lot going on in life at the moment. Hubby starts back at speedway tomorrow night and whilst I am excited at having something to do every fortnight, I am also a bit scared for him!

People often ask me if I get scared when he's racing and I do! I know I shouldn't - he's been racing since he was 10 years old, but it is still scary!

I've gotten the ball rolling on pit-crew shirts that I promised him for his birthday 2 months ago. Hopefully they will be finished by the time the Streetstock Shootout (big race-meeting for Duanes division) comes around in 2 weeks time.

Other than that, not a lot is happening. Starting to think about Christmas and getting organised. We are doing a (not-so) Secret Santa with my family this year. It will be easier than having to buy for 5-6+ people. I think they're starting to realise its about the kids now. It is both Ella and Keane (my nephews) 2nd Christmas but because they were both so young last year (Ella 9 months and Keane only a few weeks old) this year will be good!

Can't wait!!

Only hoping we wont be in Perth for Ella's tests.

Refer to last post.....

....to witness how amazingly dim-witted some people can be......

Negative.

Fucking great.

Two Pee's in a Pod

I've just come back from town after putting a summer clothes layby on for Ella.

I bought 2 HPT while I was down there....

There staring me in the face just willing me to open them and do the deed.

I can't.

For one, I promised hubby I'd wait until he was home before I tested and two, I'm half frozen with fear of another BFN. After all that has happened this month with Ella, I don't know how I am going to handle seeing just one line.

I have all my hopes pinned on this cycle being our cycle. I don't know why but everything just feels so....can't think of the word, but I feel so confident.

My boobs are huge and are very hot. I've been nauseas and having the worst sleepless nights (I know, could be stress yada yada) and finally, there have been weird little flutterings deep in my tummy.

Hardly going to be baby movements if I am pregnant, but the fact that its unusual (and I am feeling it) is hopeful to start with.

I am so anxious I feel like jumping up and down, but the modest and realistic side of me is preventing me from doing that.

How am I going to feel if this month is another failed attempt? After pinning my hopes on being successful and leaning towards the mindset of perhaps I am pregnant?

I guess I will know in T minus 2.5hrs.....and silently counting.

Wish us luck!

Breaking my heart in two....

Been in a bit of a dark place the last few days but I'm trying so hard to see the sunny side of things. Here's the latest:

Saw the paed on Friday. He found it quite impressive (his words) that Ella was up on her toes like she was. He asked about her developmental milestones and she's hitting all those quite fine. He asked about any troubles with her birth and I mentioned that she was born blue and had breathing difficulties and he mentioned that her toe-walking could have something to do with that.

I suppose if the part of her brain controlling the muscles/nerves etc were damaged during birth then it's a possibility that it is causing the toe-walking.

He also mentioned that the toe walking could be Cerebral Palsy, like I feared. He said if it is CP, that it's only affecting her legs. Which I guess is good.

We've been referred to a neurologist in Perth, a MRI at PMH and botox injections in her legs. This will all be happening in 2-3 months time, the wait to get in to PMH down there. So we're looking at being in Perth around Christmas time.

So as I thought, no closer to any answers but also a new aspect to look at (birth problems).

We went back to the physio today too. She tried to make up these weird little plastic cast thingo's and Ella just SPAT IT. She's realising that physio means pain, and it's so sad. Usually Tasch (physio) is so patient with her but today she wasn't. Whilst trying to fit these lumps of plastic to Ella's legs during bouts of screaming, she said "well you shouldn't walk on tip-toes should you Ella?"

That made me angry. For starters, I thought we'd established that Ella DOESN'T do it out of habit. And secondly, she was the one to refer us to the paed because she thinks its neurological, in which case ELLA CAN'T HELP IT.

Ella cried 99% of the time because she was so scared. It broke my heart to hear her cries and I had to hold her still. She had big fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

I guess after the casts she's just had enough. I've had enough.

I've been wondering if I'm doing the right thing by putting her through it all. Is it really such a bad thing that she walks on her toes? Maybe she WILL grow out of it in her own time.

So that's where we're at with Ella.

TTC:

Well AF was due either Saturday or this coming Wednesday. If it were Saturday its late, and if it's Wednesday, only 2-3 more days until testing. Fingers crossed.

Repetition

A weird title I know.

Ella has a toy out that is repeating the same songs over and over again - I think the button is stuck but I can't be bothered getting up to stop it.

It reminds me of how my thoughts have been lately. It seems I have the same few things just buzzing around taking turns in coming to the front of my mind. It's driving me quite balmy.

Ella's paediatrican appointment is at 1.15pm and right now its only 11.47am. I somehow have to find something to do for that time because I just can't stop worrying.


In reality I know we won't know much more even after the appointment. It's not as if we will automatically know if her toe-walking is neurological or not. I'd say there will be a whole barrage of tests to be done, most of which will probably need to be done in Perth because our 'hospital' runs on smoke and mirrors.

I don't want to go to Perth again. I don't want the appointments here and there and the waiting and the not knowing and the freaking out.

But I do know I want my baby to be happy and healthy and I guess what is freaking me out the most, is I don't know if she is healthy.

I know she is happy. She's been running around like crazy now her casts are off and she laughs a million times a day, its such a beautiful thing to see - like nothing else matters in the world.

I guess this appointment could signal the end of that. The start of the worrying again.

I realised I haven't clarified what I mean by that so here is a little snippet from Ella's life.

When she was a few weeks old my dad noticed that she would only ever turn her head to one side. I didn't think much of it until a few weeks later at the Child health Nurse (CHN) she also mentioned something. I guess because she had always been like it, I didn't notice so much but they were right. Ella would only turn her head to the right and she had quite a noticable tilt.

Anyway, we were referred to a physio who diagnosed a muscle condition called Torticollis. It is quite a rare condition that basically meant that the muscles on her left side of her neck were shortened.

We continued with the physio for a while before I decided to just do the exercises at home. At around 7 months old the CHN sent us back to the physio because Ella was starting to get quite a flat spot on her head as the exercises weren't working. We continued with quite a busy physio/exercise regime for months until at 10 months old the physio told us she believed Ella would need surgery to release the muscle that was causing her problems.

After blood tests and X-Rays to determine whether or not the flat spot (plagiocephally) was dangerous to her development (it wasn't, thank God) we book appointments in Perth to see a plastic surgeon.

At just 13 months old Ella underwent the op at Princess Margaret Hospital and today you can hardly tell she ever had a problem.

Even though I knew it was worth it in the end, I still feel a child as young as she is shouldn't have to go through what she has. I know there are children out there that go through a million times worse (and I thank my lucky stars EVERYDAY that my little girl is healthy) but it still hurts to think that she's needed so much intervention (physio, surgery, blood tests, x-rays) already in her short life.

It makes me wonder what is to come.

Only 1 hour and 15 minutes until some more questions are answered.

And they're off....

The casts have been removed.

We went to the physio today as it was time to change them and get another pretty new colour.

Ella didn't like the saw and cried a lot. I think it was because Grandma was there and she felt she needed to put on a show.

Anyhoo, within 2 seconds of having them off and walking around the physio put her head in her hands and said "Oh no, they've made it worse!"

Okay, red flag.

So we take Ella for a walk around the physio department, outside, back in to wash her stinky feet that hadn't been washed in 5 days (yuk!) and then into the physio's offices where she tells me to take a seat.

Red flag. She never tells me to sit down (prefers me to help out with Ella's exercising)

After a few stretches, plays on the trampoline and general pondering she turns to me and says she won't be putting the casts back on as they seem to have made the toe walking worse (yep, heard you the first time!).

She then went on to say that she is referring us to the paediatrican as she believes that the toe-walking could be neurological.

At first I didn't understand and asked her what she meant. She skipped around the question (red flag) and mumbled something about blocked nerve-ways, misfiring nerve signals and some other random crap.

Okay. So we left the physio, me somewhat confused and Ella happy at the prospect of running up the hallway with no lumps of plaster stuck on the ends of her legs.

Upon arriving home and putting Ella down for her afternoon nap, I jumped on the net and typed into Google "toe walking neurological".......

Basically what I've found is the physio was going ass about breakfast trying to tell me that she's worried Ella's toe walking is caused by Cerebral Palsy or a muscular dystrophy.

Alarm bells.

So I know I shouldn't have Googled it and I shouldn't be worrying about anything until we see the Paed (Friday) but I can't help it.

I went on to try and research some more about toe walking in general and I have found that there are two more common causes. One is known as idiopathic, and from what I can work out this means that there is no known cause, and the other is Spastic Dipelgia Cerebral Palsy.

I'd say the physio thought, at first, Ella's was Idiopathic and now, after today, seems to think that there may be more to it seeing as the serial casting hasn't helped at all.

So I am here freaking out a little but knowing I shouldn't until I know more.

I feel so crap. Here I am trying to conceive a new baby when it seems my body couldn't even make the first one properly! I know how horrible that sounds but I feel like I've failed her. She's had so much to deal with in her short life so far and even though I know it could be much worse, I still hate the fact she's had to deal with a lot of things that other children her age haven't.

I love her so much and it breaks my heart to think of what may be ahead.

Bring on Friday so we can get some more answers.

Oh the havoc they will wreak!

All my children, that is!

Hubby and I got to talking today about how many children we would like. We've always skipped over the exact amount because I don't think he has ever been sure how many he'd like.

I convinced him of four! Yep, FOUR!

People will think I am crazy but I just want a big family. Ideally I'd like 6 but I know that it isn't really plausible on one income.

Hubby has been so clucky lately. He is so ready to be a daddy again and keeps saying he wishes I was pregnant (hey, you and me both buddy). We're working on it.

So yeah, four was the magical number. He knows I want a big family and he knows that 3 just isn't an option for me (middle child syndrome and all) and he also knows that I won't be happy with just two.

Having said that, getting to number two is proving a tad difficult so I may just be happy with my lot in life.

I often think about that - whether I'd be okay with what I have already. I want nothing more than another baby (or two or three!) but what if that isn't a possibility? I'm not just talking about the PCOS etc, I think I would think that if I had 10 kids and wondered "just one more?".

When it comes time for me to have to stop - will I be able to accept that? To know that there are no more children on the cards and I have all that I will ever have? Even now, if I just had Ella?

The thought of it scares me. I hope one day I will know I've filled my quota (ha!) and that'll be it. I just hope that I haven't already done that.

Miss Boots

Well Ella got her casts on yesterday. She was such a good girl and sat there the whole time without getting too restless or crying - I was so proud! The casts are quite bulky, a lot more than I thought they'd be but the physio said she did it that way because they needed re-enforcing. Which I see now why she did it! Ella clonks around the house and now when she has a tantrum, she has 2kg little concrete missiles flying around on the ends of her legs!! Here is a pic of her in her new boots!

Well our TTC thing is starting to get to me again. I hate how truly f***d up I feel around this time of the month. AF is due either next week or the week after and I am going crazy.

I write that every month don't I? Why do I keep putting myself through it? And the hard part is, when I don't function properly it seems my whole family doesn't either - what am I doing to them?

I feel so guilty.

If this month fails we will be starting our 9th month of TTC. I wonder whether I should bite the bullet and see my doctor. I've read that usually if it takes 12 months plus then you should see your doctor, but seeing as I already know I have problems that will hinder TTC, should I wait that long?? I think if this month returns another BFN I will have to think about trying something else. I just can't keep going on like this.

And all that jazz....(okay, so I can't think of a title)

Well there has been a few things going on lately.

Firstly, the wedding on the weekend was GREAT! It was so amazing catching up with old friends, albeit a tad daunting at first. A lot of these people I had falling outs with but it seemed all were bygones and everything was great. It was so great seeing everyone again. It makes me sad that they no longer live in Geraldton (well most of them).

The bride was beautiful! Tegan looked amazing in her dress and the wedding ceremony was stunning. I took a few photos but this one is my favourite.


Also, the last post I made I managed to leave out something very important that I had found out. Our little Ella is getting casts put on her legs to *hopefully* stop her toe walking. They get put on Thursday and are left on for a week until we go back to the physio who will refit them. They basically keep her muscles in a state of stretching so that they will allow her to walk with her feet flat. Hopefully she doesn't need them on too long. I shall put up photos after they're put on.

Hmm, what else? Oh yes, my photography course finished today. I am somewhat glad but also a little sad that its over. It was good having somewhere to be for a change and learning something I am interested in. The lecturer told me that I will have no problems passing (yey!) so I am happy. My photoshop course is still running and I hand my first assignment in tonight - bit scared because it doesn't look any good but oh well!!

So that's about it for now. On the TTC front, AF is due between the 4th and 11th October, so I am in the 2ww. I worked out that if I fall this month, I will be able to tell people at Christmas (the 12 week mark) - what an awesome Christmas present that'd be for the Grandies!!

We have a wedding to attend tomorrow.

A friend of mine from school is getting married and I am so happy for her! We don't talk all that often and it's great that she still considers me a close enough friend to share her special day with.

There are going to be a lot of others I knew from school. One was a very close friend until we had a falling out before my own wedding. She got married last weekend and has two beautiful 6 month old twin girls.

It's amazing how far we'v come since highschool. It's a cliche but it really does only feel like yesterday but it's already been 5 years!!

It makes me wonder where I will be in another 5 years time. So much has happened already that I wonder what I could possibly do next - is there anything else to look forward too?

Maybe this next baby is holding off a little as a way of telling me to slow down and enjoy what I have. I have a wonderful husband who I will be sharing our 2nd anniversary with on the 5th November, and a beautiful daughter who is 18 months old tomorrow. Life is good.

I have been down in the dumps lately. I've been on edge, angry, annoyed and frustrated a lot of the time and I really hate being this way. I've wondered whether it would be in my best interest to start taking my antidepressants again to see if that makes a difference but then I stop myself because I don't want to conceive and be on AD at the same time. I suppose I could stop as soon as I know I'm up the duff...will have a think about it.

So anyway, I was in town this morning and Ella decided she'd have her first public tantrum - IN THE MIDDLE OF CROSSROADS CHANGE ROOM! It wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be but I suppose thats because we were both behind closed curtains and I couldn't see the faces of anyone that could hear her screaming!

I hope that next time I will keep my composure as I did this time but we shall see!

Gosh, it is driving me absolutely NUTS.

This yearning for another baby is getting beyond a joke, and if this blog were a friend I was confiding in, I am sure they'd be sick of hearing this.

Every inch of my body just longs to be pregnant again. To experience all the wonderment that surrounds pregnancy and newborns - I WANT IT NOW!

A friend of mines sister had her baby boy last night. There are pictures on her Facebook page and I actually shed a few tears looking at them. I can imagine the sorts of feeling's she is having right now with her first baby here at last - it's so amazingly beautiful.

8 months is such a long time for me.....it's dragged by so slowly and each month is running in slow motion.

Yet when I look at it written down, 8 months doesn't really seem like that long. It isn't even double figures yet.

Arg I wish I could just be back to normal and not wanting something so badly like I am now.....

Why do I do it to myself?

Last night I was up until 1.30am reading through my old posts on a parenting forum I've visited ever since I fell pregnant with Ella.

It was kind of like going back and reading an old diary or journal, and I will admit it was really hard.

It is amazing how much of myself I spilled into those posts. You can almost feel the naivety seeping from them.

I wrote of ultrasounds and ante-natal appointments, first feelings of movement and morning sickness - and God it justs makes me want to have that experience again so badly.

I can't believe I took for granted what happened so easily the first time.

I remember when I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with a cyst on my ovary. They always came and went (I could feel the pains every now and then) and I learnt that it was just what my body did - I'd always had problems with very painful, nauseous AF that this was just another thing to live with.

When I was older (around 16ish) I decided, after another cyst, to have a read up online about them. This is when I stumbled across information that suggested that some cysts can cause infertility (later to realise this meant PCOS).

From then on, I was always questioning whether I would be able to have children. I guess that is what Dr Google does to you. My own doctor never mentioned this infertility to me, whether it was irrelevant to my case or he was just trying to protect a child with her life in front of her, I don't know.

When I met my hubby and eventually started talking about the prospect of having children, I relayed my feelings to him - how I was so scared that I won't ever get the chance to become a mother. I think this is why I yearned so much for a baby in the year before we actually started trying for Ella.

In hindsight, conceiving Ella was very quick. We were 'trying but not trying'. At most, 4-5 months later, I did a HPT and there it was - two VERY dark lines. I was pregnant. And all my fears of not being able to conceived vanished.

Until now.

Common sense has me thinking that if I've conceived before, I can conceive again. But then the irrational part of my brain thinks "but it's taking longer this time around, and you've since been diagnosed with PCOS and Hashimotos - maybe one is all you will ever have."

That though scares the absolute ba-jeezus out of me. I want a large family, I want to experience pregnancy and birth and mothering a newborn again, and not knowing whether or not I will absolutely kills me - I'm a control freak at the best of times!

I am hoping that in a years time, I will read back on these posts, much like I did last night, rubbing a very swollen belly, nodding with a knowing look, and all this will have been long forgotten.

Ramblings of a menstrual drama queen.

It is always late at night, when I've put down the laptop, thrown my extra pillow on the floor, snuggled up under the rug with my eyes closed that the questions come.

Am I doing the right thing in TTC another baby?
Should I lose weight first? Will that make any difference?
Is this going to be a long term thing? Should I see my doctor about getting some help? Should I even worry yet - do I have the right to?

These are usually the surface questions that will float around willy-nilly all day until I have time to pick them from the air to ponder during these late night question sessions.
But there are the deeper questions, those that arise from the surface questions.

Perhaps I am not falling pregnant because I don't deserve another baby yet? Do I need to become a better mother to the child I have first? Is this a test of my willpower to see if I could handle another child?

A lot of this probably won't make sense to anyone else but me. Which is okay, this is my blog and I guess that people who are reading are just flies on the wall.

It is so hard not being able to share this with anyone in real life, apart from my DH. My mum knows we're TTC but we never really speak heart to heart anyway, so I don't share with her either.

My mind feels all over the place today and I am sure I will read back on this post and think WTF was I on about.

Gonna stop here now.

It sneaked up on me....

AF that is.

How totally crap that the month I decide to not really take much notice of AF, she turns up early for a freakin' change??

I am so bloody over it. I have tried the "I am so consumed by this" approach and the "I couldn't care less" approach, and I have to confess that the latter is so much worse.

I tried not to calculate the days - When did I ovulate? Am I in the 2ww yet? Is AF due?

I guess being less 'caring' meant I was less prepared for another failed attempt. This is our 8th month now. We've been TTC nearly as long as it would take to bake a bubby so if I had've fallen pregnant straight away, I'd be at the "hurry up and be here already" stage.

But I didn't....and I'm not.

I didn't realise how much it was possible to despise ones body. There is nothing I love about it apart from the fact that it managed to nurture and give birth to my beautiful little girl. Other than that, it is a completely useless piece of crap that I'd happily trade in for a new one that works.

If only it were that easy.

My parents had a BBQ last night for their anniversary and I told my mum that AF had arrived again. I told her that this is 8 months now and she was suprised. I don't think she realised just how long we'd be trying.

Even mentioning it to hubby had him thinking - he told me he didn't realise how long it's taking too, until I mention it in months to him. Maybe I should stop counting, it doesn't do me any good.

There was a family friend at this BBQ. She is 12 years old and has already been diagnosed with PCOS. I so feel for her. She is overweight and always has been and she has such little self esteem because of it. I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her it isnt her fault, and she is beautiful.

I only hope that when the day comes for her to start a family, that fate will deal her cards in her favour and give her a break.

The Rash

My little girl has been sick the past week.

She starting scratching Thursday afternoon which I didn't think much of until I took her clothes off for a bath that night and OH MY GOD this is what I found....

and bare in mind these photos do not show this rash justice!

Needless to say, straight up the hospital we went. Turns out that it was either a virus, or Scarlett Fever, which has been going around lately. The doc gave us penicillan just in case it was SF and it seems to have worked so I am leaning more towards it having been SF.

The rash is no longer red and itchy but is very rough and dry and Ella is fine otherwise. She was a bit sooky Friday but other than that she got through it like a trooper (scratching helped hehe)

TTC:

Well my boobs are sore and feel bigger, my tummy feels funny and I need to pee lots but you know what? I don't think I am pregnant. I just don't see the point in analysing everything knowing that it probably means stuff all. Sad huh?

AF is due on Thursday week, I'll keep you posted.

Knowing that I only have 10 days to go until AF is due, I am back into the anxiousness that comes with this time of the month - the 2ww.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that this month would be different (and it is to a certain degree) and that I wouldn't be so consumed with the whole TTC thing.

I admit, this month is different because I just feel so let down after last month, that I honestly don't expect this month to be our month either. It is 7 months (onto our 8th if AF comes on the 11th) and I honestly am starting to feel it may well be a long term thing. Ella didn't take this long.

I feel as if all my "broken-ness" has only started since having Ella, and that is true of the thyroid thing, but I just don't know about the PCOS. Perhaps I have always had it, but then again, I have had a lot of trouble with ovarian cysts (different to PCOS) as a young teenager and you'd think that would've been the first diagnosis if they'd picked up any unusual levels.

I spoke to a friend of mine who has a beautiful 8 month old daughter after 2 years of TTC. They are both healthy people but decided after a while of TTC that they needed to lose weight, cut out drinking and smoking and see how they went. S said that after 1 week of her not smoking she fell pregnant (I didn't have the heart to tell her that she would've been pregnant before this and it only just showed up on HPT) but she thinks that a healthy lifestyle is the way to go.

What got me about this is the fact that neither she nor her husband got tested for any abnormalities because they each didnt want the "blame" if it was found that one of them had a medical problem stopping them from falling pregnant.

To me they did it the hard way around. I agree that it is optimal to be healthy but at the same time, it was possible that the weight/smoke/drink wasn't making that much of a difference and it was only by chance that they fell and whatever was affecting them lucked out that day.

So i've been thinking. I don't drink, nor do I smoke. I am generally healthy apart from the odd binge of unhealthy food but I am overweight. Is this really what is hindering us in our TTC journey?

To me it doesn't add up. I weighed the same (to be fair, it was 5kgs less) as I do now as when I fell pregnant with Ella - what has changed? The thyroid and PCOS, both of which have symptoms of weight problems.

Yet I feel so inadequet when it comes to talking about TTC with my doctor. When we first told her we were trying her only advice was to lose weight. That would all be well and good if both my health problems were stopping me from doing so!

She told me that if I have any trouble TTC, to come back. Yet I feel so uncomfortable in doing so because I haven't lost the weight.

I ponder, are fat people allowed to be pregnant too?

I feel I am not. It seems as though I am not trying for myself (and to some degree I don't because I just feel so disheartened when nothing happens, no weight comes off and I am still the fat blob that can't get pregnant).

I wonder when the time will come that I will say "enough is enough - I deserve to be pregnant too!"....because at the moment I don't feel like I deserve it....

A little snippet...

It's amazing how busy you can get without actually feeling busy. I often get asked why I haven't updated this blog and when I look back there is no one thing stopping me, it's a mixture of everything that seems to be keeping my mind off it, and in turn, off TTC.

I have been flat out with my photography and Photoshop courses, even though they're both only once a week. We went out to the local wildlife park for the photography course on Tuesday and I managed to get some great photos of the animals.

If you want to check some out go to www.flickr.com/baby_bliss2. I actually had a message through Flickr asking for permission to use my photo of the python on a webpage! So yay! I got published! Well that's what I am claiming hehe. You can find the site and my photo HERE

On the TTC front, not a lot has been going on. Hubby and I haven't been as eager in the BD department but I think we managed to get in the mood when it really mattered.

I have no idea when AF due, actually, now I think of it, I'll go check.......

Okay, back. I am due around the 11th, provided I have a 32 day cycle. I doubt AF will be on time anyway so not knowing doesn't really affect me.

Well that's about all from me, I will try and update this thing a bit more frequently, not that a lot of people read it!

I am still here..

Well I realised I hadn't updated this thing in a while.

Truth is I have just been trying to forget about it all.

I feel this TTC business gets so serious that sometimes it is all I can think about. It consumes me. The 2WW is the worst.

I feel every twinge, every wave of nausea, every stretch or pull, and I assume that it *may* have something to do with the possibility of being pregnant.

Take last month, for instance. I had every possible symptom under the sun. The strongest of which were my boobs that amazingly grew a cup size in the space of a week, became mottled with veins including one that I only ever see when pregnant.

Obviously this does not automatically read BFP. However, I got my hopes up and they were dashed when a week and a bit later, AF arrived in full vengence despite being fashionably late again.

Someone should tell her how rude it is to drop in without prior warning.

So this month has been a bit of a "cool off". Hubby and I are still BD'ing...not religiously and at every opportunity (seems to be less of those this month anyway) but BD'ing all the same. It only takes one of those little swimmers so hopefully it'll make it this month.

I've started wondering how my reaction will be when I do finally have that BFP. It seems to be all about the TTC that the events that follow it seems so far off in the distance that I haven't really worried about it yet.

Of course I think about it, but do I THINK about it? No, I don't think I do. Maybe I should.

And thats a no.....

Okay, so I was too excited Friday and decided to do a test Friday night - totally stupid I know - and I knew at the time, but I did it anyway.

Of course it came back BFN, and even though I knew it was too soon to show anything, my heart sunk a little anyway.

I'd been getting more and more symptoms that were pointing "in the right direction". My boobs are seemingly bigger and the aereolas darker (even hubby commented). I've been so tired I've needed Nanna naps in the afternoon, I've been ravenous and eating everything in sight....but now I know it was all most likely AF symptoms.

She still hasn't arrived yet, AF that is. She was due today but that means nothing anymore.

I tested again yesterday, 14 or 15 days past ovulation so definately should've returned a result if I was pregnant.

I'm not.

Another BFN. I think I'm okay.

I am still holding out hope that there is a chance this month. Perhaps I've ovulated later than I thought. My cycle hasn't exactly been reliable and has been more like 32 days instead of 28. If thats the case I might get another HPT and test on the weekend.

If thats another BFN, well, just try again next month.

I thought I'd be more devastated and to be honest, I did have a bit of a cry yesterday thinking that perhaps another baby is just not on the cards for us.

But of course, I wont give up hope until I have a REAL reason to. There are so many pathways to take before I get to feel those feelings mentioned above.

I found out another friend of ours is pregnant. I am so bloody happy for her! She has endometriosis and took 18 months to fall with her first, after being told she couldnt have children. The new bubba didn't take as long but is still a miracle all the same.

While feeling somewhat jealous of her, I also look to her as a source of inspiration. If she can do it, so can I.

Meanwhile, I am adoring my little girl even more. She is so precious and its amazing how I feel so lucky to have her now.

I took falling pregnant for granted....I will never make that mistake again.

Not a lot to report

Well I am in the 2WW and its driving me crazy! These weeks would have the be the longest out of the whole TTC experience and it happens every month!

The only good thing about it is I am starting to get tender breasts and I am very tired so I am hoping that perhaps this is our month!

Then again, I have learnt that you never pay more attention to what your body is doing until you start TTC and I could have these symptoms every month before AF and I just dont notice so much.

To be honest, I have been trying not to think too much about it. Well, thinking about it is okay, dwelling on it is not...so I've been trying not to dwell.

I have been keeping myself pretty busy. I have enrolled in TAFE for a night course in Photoshop. I am hoping to one day be good at something I am passionate about, instead of just being average like I usually am. There was an actual photography course, but due to the crappy town I live in not having enoug people interested, I may not get the chance to do it. (Class sizes need to be at least 12)

I am totally in love with my daughter at the moment. Everything she does is just so cute! Her personality is coming out more and more and with each new thing she does, I realise just how much she isnt my little baby anymore.

She's been co-sleeping with us for a little while now. I haven't the heart to make her sleep in her own bed, especially seeing how cold it is in her room! I have issues with leaving a heater on so her room gets so freezing during the night.

So I pop her into bed with us and she sleeps soundly, but diagonally across the bed between me and Duane hehe.

I am lapping up the closeness. She usually never stops and its great to be able to lay there with her sleeping in my arms. I know, in the long run, it isnt exactly the best circumstances but I am hoping by the time summer rolls around again, that she will be comfortable back in her own bed.

And back down the emotional rollercoaster.....

No, AF hasn't arrived yet, I am just feeling so completely low again today which is pretty weird after my burst of confidence in my last post.

Not a lot to write really....just feeling a bit in dispair...

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I am worrying about nothing, that I will have a baby within the year and all the TTC issues will have been forgotten.

But then I wonder whether I should, indeed, be very worried. I am scared this is going to be a long term thing, and the anxiousness and desperateness I feel now is hard enough to get through already - what if it DOES get worse??

I desperately want to fall this year, I don't want a large gap between #1 and #2, yet I should be happy I can fall at all, even if it takes longer than my "preferred" time gap.

I wonder if people who have been TTC long term (1 year plus) ever thought that they would be the ones having all the trouble. Or did they stay blissfully unaware thinking that this next month would be their month? When did they start getting those little niggly thoughts "is it ever going to happen?"

It's so entirely stupid really. This is only our 5th month of trying. In all reality it could take another 7 before I can start thinking something is really wrong. I guess I am preparing myself for this, in case it does become a reality.

Hopes are up

For some reason, this month, I am feeling eerily confident regarding TTC.

I am 95% sure that I have ovulated (yesterday) and the best thing was hubby and I BD at lunchtime so we *should have* got that little egglett!

However, I know this is totally a fairy tale and totally unrealistic thinking. But I just have that air of confidence and I ain't letting go now!

I am currently at CD13 (cycle day 13) so I am officially in the 2 week wait (2ww) if I take yesterdays cramping as ovulation.

Forgive my lingo, it is just so much easier to write with these shortcuts especially after posting in online forums. 2ww pretty much means the wait I have from now until I can do a HPT or AF shows up, whichever comes first.

Thinking has been in overdrive. I am already thinking what I will need when it comes to the next bub. Well, perhaps not what I NEED, but what I would like to have.

The first is a Phil & Teds pram. As I will have a newborn and a small toddler, I think this would be a good investment (and an expensive one at that!). I like the look of the newest P&T but at over $850 a pop, I am not sure this is the one I will be getting!!

Secondly, I am investing in the best breast pump money can buy. Breastfeeding next time around will NOT be an issue. I am not going to let it be.

Failing in breastfeeding Ella was such a hard time for me. I know I could've done a lot better, done a lot more, been that little bit more patient/stronger/wiser and I will be damned if I will let that amazing experience get away from me for a second time.

When I gave up BF Ella, I was very hard on myself. The child health nurse (CHN), my mother and my doctor seemed to think that this pressure was put on me by society. By being the "right thing to do" nowadays, but the simple fact of that matter is - I WANTED TO BREASTFEED MY BABY.

It didn't matter what anyone else said. If the "norm" was bottle feeding I'd still have wanted to BF. It was something I looked forward to as a mother, something I wanted to do with all my heart. And yet, when I was doing it, I threw it away as if it were nothing. Damn PND to hell.


I had a bit of a scary moment a few days ago. I had 5 minutes to actually think about what it was we were doing. Was I really ready? Did I have some sort of glamorous picture in my head about pregnancy/childbirth/raising a newborn? Did I really know what I was getting myself into?

Truth is, I guess you never really realise what it is you are getting yourself into. It's part of the excitement, the buzz. All I know is I long to be able to experience it all again and to give my daughter a play buddy.

Everything else comes after that. It has to. Otherwise if I concentrate too much on the morning sickness, the millions of bloodtests, the contractions, the burning toilet experiences, the sleepless nights, the sore boobs, it honestly wouldn't be as appealing.

Instead I think of the excitement of that BIG FAT POSITIVE, the tentative steps towards telling family and friends, the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat each doctors visit, the excitement of first contractions, that first cuddle, that first feed - THE FIRSTS.

I think they make it all worth it. That, and having something as wonderful as this to treasure always.

On a lighter note

I noticed that the post I did yesterday was quite "straight to the point" and didn't give time to get to know us and our family!

My husband Duane and I have been married for 2 years this November. We met in January 2004, at the Australia Day fireworks. From then on, as they say, the rest was history!

We fell pregnant with Ella in 2006, and found out 5 months or so before the wedding so we had a lot of people ask us if it were a "shot gun wedding"! But no, we are soul mates and this was just another chapter to our fantastic lives.

Ella was born on Tuesday the 20th March 2007. I had been in and out of hospital for high blood pressure in the last trimester, which was my only pregnancy problem! That, and the fact that I had a monster growing inside of me! At 35 weeks, her estimated foetal weight was already over 7lbs! But at 39w 5d, she was born a healthy 9lb 9oz, naturally with an epidural.

Being a new mum was absolutely daunting, and the most amazing experience I have ever had, period. Nothing compares to holding your newborn bubby all covered in muck and looking into their eyes for the first time.

But it wasn't always as magical as that. I suffered Postnatal Depression (PND) and was diagnosed when Ella was 3 months old, soon after I stopped breastfeeding. I think, in part, both contributed to the other. I gave up breastfeeding because I felt it wasn't doing my precious baby any good, which was on account of the PND, yet giving up breastfeeding sent me spiralling even further which didn't help the PND one iota.

I still mourn breastfeeding to this day. I regret not soldiering on and fighting for something I wanted to do so badly. But you learn these things, and a lot more, when you are a first time mother.

Ella is a fantastically happy little girl. I say that even though for the past 4 days she has been clingy and sooky due to molars breaking through and a cold because she just really is HAPPY.
She was such a content baby. People often asked me whether she ever cried, to which I answered with an exhasberated YES! Obviously she only ever saved it for mummy and daddy and for 3am wake up calls!

She loves people. She is just as content in a strangers arms as she is in my own. She's a show pony and knows she is centre of attention when she is in the room. She's my little star.

She is independant and stubborn, just like her mother. She doesn't stop for cuddles, she is always doing something and I love it and hate it at the same time! I've been hoping that once a sibling comes along she will slow down a bit, or at the very least have someone to run around with.

My 5 year old step-neice Kiara and her get along famously. Ella idolises her and follows her everywhere. I've never heard her laugh as much as when she is with Kiara. I can only imagine how much my heart will soar when she is like that with her own little brother or sister.
Of course that is just my fairytale. I am sure there will be tears and hairpulling and smacking and pinching!

Duane adores Ella. He really does go weak at the knees for her. She is truely a daddy's girl and I love it, as does he!

I remember once, he turned to me and said "I never realised I could love someone else as much as I love you". That is just the most perfect sentence in so many ways. And the feeling is mutual.

He is the most caring and gentle soul. I have never met anyone more courteous and friendly. He has a million and one friends and twice as many aquaintances and to be with him is such a great thing. If anything is handed on to my daughter, I'd hope it would be his nature.

Ella does get her "don't stop" trait from her daddy. Ever since I have known him he has always had to be somewhere or doing something. Usually it involves cars, actually 99.99999% of it involves cars!

Duane is a speedway driver. He's raced ever since he was 9 years old and gave it up briefly when we met, only to be back into it a few years later with a bigger and better car than before.
I love being a speedway wife. And Ella loves the speedway too. She points to our pictures of Peter Brock's Commodores on our loungeroom wall and says "Da-da!". Any racecar is her beloved daddy!

Duane also paints cars for a living. He is a tradesman spraypainter and he does a fantastic job! When I first met him he had a bright yellow ute (Yelo Tera, how I miss you so) that he had done up for a show car. He won many a Show and Shine with that ute, and later build me a matching sedan to boot!

Both were sold to make way for our little bundle of joy, and we traded the ute for a wagon. He gave up a lot when we had her, as did I, but I wouldn't change it for all the tea in China.
Becoming a parent is the best thing I have ever done. And it helps that I am mummy to the best daughter in the world!!

Wouldn't you agree?

An urge too powerful to ignore

Ever since my daughter was 8 months old, the yearning for another baby popped up out of no-where.

If you had've asked me in the months before this age, if I wanted another baby, the answer would've been a resounding NO!

However, my baby was growing by the day and learning knew things, and I yearned to be able to give her a sibling to grow with.

Unfortunately, in January 2008, I found out I suffered from an endocrine disorder that affects 1/10 women, called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. I also had a thyroid problem which could also affect my fertility so the feelings of another baby constantly played on my mind.

Would I be able to fall again? Will it take a long time?

I scoured websites in search of more information and colapsed under a snowball of information late one night. I exploded into tears much to my bewildered (and sleepy) husband that I couldn't hold it in anymore and all my fears came tumbling out.

I felt guilty for wanting another child when I already had such a beautiful baby girl who constantly amazes me every day, yet I felt unfinished, and absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

My fears, of course, were unfounded at this stage. We hadn't been trying to concieve (TTC) so how would I know that any of my medical conditions would affect me? I had, afterall, fell with my daughter quite quickly.

After a midnight deep and meaningful, husband and I decided to start TTC. I am under the impression that, at first, he felt it wouldn't be happening so soon anyway, so we'd be "safe".

We started TTC when our daughter was around 11 months old, right before my husband started a new job. Halfway into cycle 2, there was a mini freak-out on his part, and TTC was put on hold for the rest of the month and needless to say, we recieved another BFN (big-fat-negative) HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart sank.

Deep down I knew that the possibility of a BFP (positive) was low, but I still held out for a miracle.

Yet, only 2 months into TTC, I knew it was only early stages.

Onto my 3rd cycle (and plenty of BD - baby dancing) I was started to get really good vibes! I was starting to get "early pregnancy symptoms" coming up to when my mensturation (AF) would be due. I was tired, had sore boobs and best of all, AF was 10 days late!

However, 3-4 negative HPT were telling a different story, so I went for a bloodtest. Negative. AF arrived that afternoon.

We have now finished cycle 4. AF was, again, fashionably late this month, only by 5 days, but late all the same. My hopes were not raised as I knew it would have been a repeat of last month.

I had quite a lot of cramping and clots (sorry!) and passed quite a large clot, which is unusual for my body. After posting about it on a parenting forum, a lot of answers were "it could be a miscarriage". Whilst I know this is totally unlikely, it plays on my mind a lot.

So we are now entering the 5 month of TTC our beloved and much wanted #2. So far all I have worked out is that the PCOS is now deciding to mess with my cycles whereas it never used to.

My thyroid levels will not be checked again until December and I am supposed to be trying to lose weight, which I have NOT done so far. Despite eating better and walking regularly, the weight isnt budging and I am too impatient to wait to start TTC so we are continuing on.

Meanwhile I sit here at my computer reading of everyones BFP's (and feeling so very happy for them) yet feeling so very sorry for myself.

I know my journey has just begun, I know that there are people out there who try for years without success, but this yearning is getting to me and I have never been a patient person.

Until next time.