An urge too powerful to ignore

Ever since my daughter was 8 months old, the yearning for another baby popped up out of no-where.

If you had've asked me in the months before this age, if I wanted another baby, the answer would've been a resounding NO!

However, my baby was growing by the day and learning knew things, and I yearned to be able to give her a sibling to grow with.

Unfortunately, in January 2008, I found out I suffered from an endocrine disorder that affects 1/10 women, called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. I also had a thyroid problem which could also affect my fertility so the feelings of another baby constantly played on my mind.

Would I be able to fall again? Will it take a long time?

I scoured websites in search of more information and colapsed under a snowball of information late one night. I exploded into tears much to my bewildered (and sleepy) husband that I couldn't hold it in anymore and all my fears came tumbling out.

I felt guilty for wanting another child when I already had such a beautiful baby girl who constantly amazes me every day, yet I felt unfinished, and absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

My fears, of course, were unfounded at this stage. We hadn't been trying to concieve (TTC) so how would I know that any of my medical conditions would affect me? I had, afterall, fell with my daughter quite quickly.

After a midnight deep and meaningful, husband and I decided to start TTC. I am under the impression that, at first, he felt it wouldn't be happening so soon anyway, so we'd be "safe".

We started TTC when our daughter was around 11 months old, right before my husband started a new job. Halfway into cycle 2, there was a mini freak-out on his part, and TTC was put on hold for the rest of the month and needless to say, we recieved another BFN (big-fat-negative) HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart sank.

Deep down I knew that the possibility of a BFP (positive) was low, but I still held out for a miracle.

Yet, only 2 months into TTC, I knew it was only early stages.

Onto my 3rd cycle (and plenty of BD - baby dancing) I was started to get really good vibes! I was starting to get "early pregnancy symptoms" coming up to when my mensturation (AF) would be due. I was tired, had sore boobs and best of all, AF was 10 days late!

However, 3-4 negative HPT were telling a different story, so I went for a bloodtest. Negative. AF arrived that afternoon.

We have now finished cycle 4. AF was, again, fashionably late this month, only by 5 days, but late all the same. My hopes were not raised as I knew it would have been a repeat of last month.

I had quite a lot of cramping and clots (sorry!) and passed quite a large clot, which is unusual for my body. After posting about it on a parenting forum, a lot of answers were "it could be a miscarriage". Whilst I know this is totally unlikely, it plays on my mind a lot.

So we are now entering the 5 month of TTC our beloved and much wanted #2. So far all I have worked out is that the PCOS is now deciding to mess with my cycles whereas it never used to.

My thyroid levels will not be checked again until December and I am supposed to be trying to lose weight, which I have NOT done so far. Despite eating better and walking regularly, the weight isnt budging and I am too impatient to wait to start TTC so we are continuing on.

Meanwhile I sit here at my computer reading of everyones BFP's (and feeling so very happy for them) yet feeling so very sorry for myself.

I know my journey has just begun, I know that there are people out there who try for years without success, but this yearning is getting to me and I have never been a patient person.

Until next time.