To the Moon and Back - My Mothering Journey

Knowing that I only have 10 days to go until AF is due, I am back into the anxiousness that comes with this time of the month - the 2ww.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that this month would be different (and it is to a certain degree) and that I wouldn't be so consumed with the whole TTC thing.

I admit, this month is different because I just feel so let down after last month, that I honestly don't expect this month to be our month either. It is 7 months (onto our 8th if AF comes on the 11th) and I honestly am starting to feel it may well be a long term thing. Ella didn't take this long.

I feel as if all my "broken-ness" has only started since having Ella, and that is true of the thyroid thing, but I just don't know about the PCOS. Perhaps I have always had it, but then again, I have had a lot of trouble with ovarian cysts (different to PCOS) as a young teenager and you'd think that would've been the first diagnosis if they'd picked up any unusual levels.

I spoke to a friend of mine who has a beautiful 8 month old daughter after 2 years of TTC. They are both healthy people but decided after a while of TTC that they needed to lose weight, cut out drinking and smoking and see how they went. S said that after 1 week of her not smoking she fell pregnant (I didn't have the heart to tell her that she would've been pregnant before this and it only just showed up on HPT) but she thinks that a healthy lifestyle is the way to go.

What got me about this is the fact that neither she nor her husband got tested for any abnormalities because they each didnt want the "blame" if it was found that one of them had a medical problem stopping them from falling pregnant.

To me they did it the hard way around. I agree that it is optimal to be healthy but at the same time, it was possible that the weight/smoke/drink wasn't making that much of a difference and it was only by chance that they fell and whatever was affecting them lucked out that day.

So i've been thinking. I don't drink, nor do I smoke. I am generally healthy apart from the odd binge of unhealthy food but I am overweight. Is this really what is hindering us in our TTC journey?

To me it doesn't add up. I weighed the same (to be fair, it was 5kgs less) as I do now as when I fell pregnant with Ella - what has changed? The thyroid and PCOS, both of which have symptoms of weight problems.

Yet I feel so inadequet when it comes to talking about TTC with my doctor. When we first told her we were trying her only advice was to lose weight. That would all be well and good if both my health problems were stopping me from doing so!

She told me that if I have any trouble TTC, to come back. Yet I feel so uncomfortable in doing so because I haven't lost the weight.

I ponder, are fat people allowed to be pregnant too?

I feel I am not. It seems as though I am not trying for myself (and to some degree I don't because I just feel so disheartened when nothing happens, no weight comes off and I am still the fat blob that can't get pregnant).

I wonder when the time will come that I will say "enough is enough - I deserve to be pregnant too!"....because at the moment I don't feel like I deserve it....