And they're off....

The casts have been removed.

We went to the physio today as it was time to change them and get another pretty new colour.

Ella didn't like the saw and cried a lot. I think it was because Grandma was there and she felt she needed to put on a show.

Anyhoo, within 2 seconds of having them off and walking around the physio put her head in her hands and said "Oh no, they've made it worse!"

Okay, red flag.

So we take Ella for a walk around the physio department, outside, back in to wash her stinky feet that hadn't been washed in 5 days (yuk!) and then into the physio's offices where she tells me to take a seat.

Red flag. She never tells me to sit down (prefers me to help out with Ella's exercising)

After a few stretches, plays on the trampoline and general pondering she turns to me and says she won't be putting the casts back on as they seem to have made the toe walking worse (yep, heard you the first time!).

She then went on to say that she is referring us to the paediatrican as she believes that the toe-walking could be neurological.

At first I didn't understand and asked her what she meant. She skipped around the question (red flag) and mumbled something about blocked nerve-ways, misfiring nerve signals and some other random crap.

Okay. So we left the physio, me somewhat confused and Ella happy at the prospect of running up the hallway with no lumps of plaster stuck on the ends of her legs.

Upon arriving home and putting Ella down for her afternoon nap, I jumped on the net and typed into Google "toe walking neurological".......

Basically what I've found is the physio was going ass about breakfast trying to tell me that she's worried Ella's toe walking is caused by Cerebral Palsy or a muscular dystrophy.

Alarm bells.

So I know I shouldn't have Googled it and I shouldn't be worrying about anything until we see the Paed (Friday) but I can't help it.

I went on to try and research some more about toe walking in general and I have found that there are two more common causes. One is known as idiopathic, and from what I can work out this means that there is no known cause, and the other is Spastic Dipelgia Cerebral Palsy.

I'd say the physio thought, at first, Ella's was Idiopathic and now, after today, seems to think that there may be more to it seeing as the serial casting hasn't helped at all.

So I am here freaking out a little but knowing I shouldn't until I know more.

I feel so crap. Here I am trying to conceive a new baby when it seems my body couldn't even make the first one properly! I know how horrible that sounds but I feel like I've failed her. She's had so much to deal with in her short life so far and even though I know it could be much worse, I still hate the fact she's had to deal with a lot of things that other children her age haven't.

I love her so much and it breaks my heart to think of what may be ahead.

Bring on Friday so we can get some more answers.

Oh the havoc they will wreak!

All my children, that is!

Hubby and I got to talking today about how many children we would like. We've always skipped over the exact amount because I don't think he has ever been sure how many he'd like.

I convinced him of four! Yep, FOUR!

People will think I am crazy but I just want a big family. Ideally I'd like 6 but I know that it isn't really plausible on one income.

Hubby has been so clucky lately. He is so ready to be a daddy again and keeps saying he wishes I was pregnant (hey, you and me both buddy). We're working on it.

So yeah, four was the magical number. He knows I want a big family and he knows that 3 just isn't an option for me (middle child syndrome and all) and he also knows that I won't be happy with just two.

Having said that, getting to number two is proving a tad difficult so I may just be happy with my lot in life.

I often think about that - whether I'd be okay with what I have already. I want nothing more than another baby (or two or three!) but what if that isn't a possibility? I'm not just talking about the PCOS etc, I think I would think that if I had 10 kids and wondered "just one more?".

When it comes time for me to have to stop - will I be able to accept that? To know that there are no more children on the cards and I have all that I will ever have? Even now, if I just had Ella?

The thought of it scares me. I hope one day I will know I've filled my quota (ha!) and that'll be it. I just hope that I haven't already done that.

Miss Boots

Well Ella got her casts on yesterday. She was such a good girl and sat there the whole time without getting too restless or crying - I was so proud! The casts are quite bulky, a lot more than I thought they'd be but the physio said she did it that way because they needed re-enforcing. Which I see now why she did it! Ella clonks around the house and now when she has a tantrum, she has 2kg little concrete missiles flying around on the ends of her legs!! Here is a pic of her in her new boots!

Well our TTC thing is starting to get to me again. I hate how truly f***d up I feel around this time of the month. AF is due either next week or the week after and I am going crazy.

I write that every month don't I? Why do I keep putting myself through it? And the hard part is, when I don't function properly it seems my whole family doesn't either - what am I doing to them?

I feel so guilty.

If this month fails we will be starting our 9th month of TTC. I wonder whether I should bite the bullet and see my doctor. I've read that usually if it takes 12 months plus then you should see your doctor, but seeing as I already know I have problems that will hinder TTC, should I wait that long?? I think if this month returns another BFN I will have to think about trying something else. I just can't keep going on like this.

And all that jazz....(okay, so I can't think of a title)

Well there has been a few things going on lately.

Firstly, the wedding on the weekend was GREAT! It was so amazing catching up with old friends, albeit a tad daunting at first. A lot of these people I had falling outs with but it seemed all were bygones and everything was great. It was so great seeing everyone again. It makes me sad that they no longer live in Geraldton (well most of them).

The bride was beautiful! Tegan looked amazing in her dress and the wedding ceremony was stunning. I took a few photos but this one is my favourite.


Also, the last post I made I managed to leave out something very important that I had found out. Our little Ella is getting casts put on her legs to *hopefully* stop her toe walking. They get put on Thursday and are left on for a week until we go back to the physio who will refit them. They basically keep her muscles in a state of stretching so that they will allow her to walk with her feet flat. Hopefully she doesn't need them on too long. I shall put up photos after they're put on.

Hmm, what else? Oh yes, my photography course finished today. I am somewhat glad but also a little sad that its over. It was good having somewhere to be for a change and learning something I am interested in. The lecturer told me that I will have no problems passing (yey!) so I am happy. My photoshop course is still running and I hand my first assignment in tonight - bit scared because it doesn't look any good but oh well!!

So that's about it for now. On the TTC front, AF is due between the 4th and 11th October, so I am in the 2ww. I worked out that if I fall this month, I will be able to tell people at Christmas (the 12 week mark) - what an awesome Christmas present that'd be for the Grandies!!

We have a wedding to attend tomorrow.

A friend of mine from school is getting married and I am so happy for her! We don't talk all that often and it's great that she still considers me a close enough friend to share her special day with.

There are going to be a lot of others I knew from school. One was a very close friend until we had a falling out before my own wedding. She got married last weekend and has two beautiful 6 month old twin girls.

It's amazing how far we'v come since highschool. It's a cliche but it really does only feel like yesterday but it's already been 5 years!!

It makes me wonder where I will be in another 5 years time. So much has happened already that I wonder what I could possibly do next - is there anything else to look forward too?

Maybe this next baby is holding off a little as a way of telling me to slow down and enjoy what I have. I have a wonderful husband who I will be sharing our 2nd anniversary with on the 5th November, and a beautiful daughter who is 18 months old tomorrow. Life is good.

I have been down in the dumps lately. I've been on edge, angry, annoyed and frustrated a lot of the time and I really hate being this way. I've wondered whether it would be in my best interest to start taking my antidepressants again to see if that makes a difference but then I stop myself because I don't want to conceive and be on AD at the same time. I suppose I could stop as soon as I know I'm up the duff...will have a think about it.

So anyway, I was in town this morning and Ella decided she'd have her first public tantrum - IN THE MIDDLE OF CROSSROADS CHANGE ROOM! It wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be but I suppose thats because we were both behind closed curtains and I couldn't see the faces of anyone that could hear her screaming!

I hope that next time I will keep my composure as I did this time but we shall see!

Gosh, it is driving me absolutely NUTS.

This yearning for another baby is getting beyond a joke, and if this blog were a friend I was confiding in, I am sure they'd be sick of hearing this.

Every inch of my body just longs to be pregnant again. To experience all the wonderment that surrounds pregnancy and newborns - I WANT IT NOW!

A friend of mines sister had her baby boy last night. There are pictures on her Facebook page and I actually shed a few tears looking at them. I can imagine the sorts of feeling's she is having right now with her first baby here at last - it's so amazingly beautiful.

8 months is such a long time for me.....it's dragged by so slowly and each month is running in slow motion.

Yet when I look at it written down, 8 months doesn't really seem like that long. It isn't even double figures yet.

Arg I wish I could just be back to normal and not wanting something so badly like I am now.....

Why do I do it to myself?

Last night I was up until 1.30am reading through my old posts on a parenting forum I've visited ever since I fell pregnant with Ella.

It was kind of like going back and reading an old diary or journal, and I will admit it was really hard.

It is amazing how much of myself I spilled into those posts. You can almost feel the naivety seeping from them.

I wrote of ultrasounds and ante-natal appointments, first feelings of movement and morning sickness - and God it justs makes me want to have that experience again so badly.

I can't believe I took for granted what happened so easily the first time.

I remember when I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with a cyst on my ovary. They always came and went (I could feel the pains every now and then) and I learnt that it was just what my body did - I'd always had problems with very painful, nauseous AF that this was just another thing to live with.

When I was older (around 16ish) I decided, after another cyst, to have a read up online about them. This is when I stumbled across information that suggested that some cysts can cause infertility (later to realise this meant PCOS).

From then on, I was always questioning whether I would be able to have children. I guess that is what Dr Google does to you. My own doctor never mentioned this infertility to me, whether it was irrelevant to my case or he was just trying to protect a child with her life in front of her, I don't know.

When I met my hubby and eventually started talking about the prospect of having children, I relayed my feelings to him - how I was so scared that I won't ever get the chance to become a mother. I think this is why I yearned so much for a baby in the year before we actually started trying for Ella.

In hindsight, conceiving Ella was very quick. We were 'trying but not trying'. At most, 4-5 months later, I did a HPT and there it was - two VERY dark lines. I was pregnant. And all my fears of not being able to conceived vanished.

Until now.

Common sense has me thinking that if I've conceived before, I can conceive again. But then the irrational part of my brain thinks "but it's taking longer this time around, and you've since been diagnosed with PCOS and Hashimotos - maybe one is all you will ever have."

That though scares the absolute ba-jeezus out of me. I want a large family, I want to experience pregnancy and birth and mothering a newborn again, and not knowing whether or not I will absolutely kills me - I'm a control freak at the best of times!

I am hoping that in a years time, I will read back on these posts, much like I did last night, rubbing a very swollen belly, nodding with a knowing look, and all this will have been long forgotten.

Ramblings of a menstrual drama queen.

It is always late at night, when I've put down the laptop, thrown my extra pillow on the floor, snuggled up under the rug with my eyes closed that the questions come.

Am I doing the right thing in TTC another baby?
Should I lose weight first? Will that make any difference?
Is this going to be a long term thing? Should I see my doctor about getting some help? Should I even worry yet - do I have the right to?

These are usually the surface questions that will float around willy-nilly all day until I have time to pick them from the air to ponder during these late night question sessions.
But there are the deeper questions, those that arise from the surface questions.

Perhaps I am not falling pregnant because I don't deserve another baby yet? Do I need to become a better mother to the child I have first? Is this a test of my willpower to see if I could handle another child?

A lot of this probably won't make sense to anyone else but me. Which is okay, this is my blog and I guess that people who are reading are just flies on the wall.

It is so hard not being able to share this with anyone in real life, apart from my DH. My mum knows we're TTC but we never really speak heart to heart anyway, so I don't share with her either.

My mind feels all over the place today and I am sure I will read back on this post and think WTF was I on about.

Gonna stop here now.

It sneaked up on me....

AF that is.

How totally crap that the month I decide to not really take much notice of AF, she turns up early for a freakin' change??

I am so bloody over it. I have tried the "I am so consumed by this" approach and the "I couldn't care less" approach, and I have to confess that the latter is so much worse.

I tried not to calculate the days - When did I ovulate? Am I in the 2ww yet? Is AF due?

I guess being less 'caring' meant I was less prepared for another failed attempt. This is our 8th month now. We've been TTC nearly as long as it would take to bake a bubby so if I had've fallen pregnant straight away, I'd be at the "hurry up and be here already" stage.

But I didn't....and I'm not.

I didn't realise how much it was possible to despise ones body. There is nothing I love about it apart from the fact that it managed to nurture and give birth to my beautiful little girl. Other than that, it is a completely useless piece of crap that I'd happily trade in for a new one that works.

If only it were that easy.

My parents had a BBQ last night for their anniversary and I told my mum that AF had arrived again. I told her that this is 8 months now and she was suprised. I don't think she realised just how long we'd be trying.

Even mentioning it to hubby had him thinking - he told me he didn't realise how long it's taking too, until I mention it in months to him. Maybe I should stop counting, it doesn't do me any good.

There was a family friend at this BBQ. She is 12 years old and has already been diagnosed with PCOS. I so feel for her. She is overweight and always has been and she has such little self esteem because of it. I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her it isnt her fault, and she is beautiful.

I only hope that when the day comes for her to start a family, that fate will deal her cards in her favour and give her a break.

The Rash

My little girl has been sick the past week.

She starting scratching Thursday afternoon which I didn't think much of until I took her clothes off for a bath that night and OH MY GOD this is what I found....

and bare in mind these photos do not show this rash justice!

Needless to say, straight up the hospital we went. Turns out that it was either a virus, or Scarlett Fever, which has been going around lately. The doc gave us penicillan just in case it was SF and it seems to have worked so I am leaning more towards it having been SF.

The rash is no longer red and itchy but is very rough and dry and Ella is fine otherwise. She was a bit sooky Friday but other than that she got through it like a trooper (scratching helped hehe)

TTC:

Well my boobs are sore and feel bigger, my tummy feels funny and I need to pee lots but you know what? I don't think I am pregnant. I just don't see the point in analysing everything knowing that it probably means stuff all. Sad huh?

AF is due on Thursday week, I'll keep you posted.