Why do I do it to myself?

Last night I was up until 1.30am reading through my old posts on a parenting forum I've visited ever since I fell pregnant with Ella.

It was kind of like going back and reading an old diary or journal, and I will admit it was really hard.

It is amazing how much of myself I spilled into those posts. You can almost feel the naivety seeping from them.

I wrote of ultrasounds and ante-natal appointments, first feelings of movement and morning sickness - and God it justs makes me want to have that experience again so badly.

I can't believe I took for granted what happened so easily the first time.

I remember when I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with a cyst on my ovary. They always came and went (I could feel the pains every now and then) and I learnt that it was just what my body did - I'd always had problems with very painful, nauseous AF that this was just another thing to live with.

When I was older (around 16ish) I decided, after another cyst, to have a read up online about them. This is when I stumbled across information that suggested that some cysts can cause infertility (later to realise this meant PCOS).

From then on, I was always questioning whether I would be able to have children. I guess that is what Dr Google does to you. My own doctor never mentioned this infertility to me, whether it was irrelevant to my case or he was just trying to protect a child with her life in front of her, I don't know.

When I met my hubby and eventually started talking about the prospect of having children, I relayed my feelings to him - how I was so scared that I won't ever get the chance to become a mother. I think this is why I yearned so much for a baby in the year before we actually started trying for Ella.

In hindsight, conceiving Ella was very quick. We were 'trying but not trying'. At most, 4-5 months later, I did a HPT and there it was - two VERY dark lines. I was pregnant. And all my fears of not being able to conceived vanished.

Until now.

Common sense has me thinking that if I've conceived before, I can conceive again. But then the irrational part of my brain thinks "but it's taking longer this time around, and you've since been diagnosed with PCOS and Hashimotos - maybe one is all you will ever have."

That though scares the absolute ba-jeezus out of me. I want a large family, I want to experience pregnancy and birth and mothering a newborn again, and not knowing whether or not I will absolutely kills me - I'm a control freak at the best of times!

I am hoping that in a years time, I will read back on these posts, much like I did last night, rubbing a very swollen belly, nodding with a knowing look, and all this will have been long forgotten.