Breaking my heart in two....

Been in a bit of a dark place the last few days but I'm trying so hard to see the sunny side of things. Here's the latest:

Saw the paed on Friday. He found it quite impressive (his words) that Ella was up on her toes like she was. He asked about her developmental milestones and she's hitting all those quite fine. He asked about any troubles with her birth and I mentioned that she was born blue and had breathing difficulties and he mentioned that her toe-walking could have something to do with that.

I suppose if the part of her brain controlling the muscles/nerves etc were damaged during birth then it's a possibility that it is causing the toe-walking.

He also mentioned that the toe walking could be Cerebral Palsy, like I feared. He said if it is CP, that it's only affecting her legs. Which I guess is good.

We've been referred to a neurologist in Perth, a MRI at PMH and botox injections in her legs. This will all be happening in 2-3 months time, the wait to get in to PMH down there. So we're looking at being in Perth around Christmas time.

So as I thought, no closer to any answers but also a new aspect to look at (birth problems).

We went back to the physio today too. She tried to make up these weird little plastic cast thingo's and Ella just SPAT IT. She's realising that physio means pain, and it's so sad. Usually Tasch (physio) is so patient with her but today she wasn't. Whilst trying to fit these lumps of plastic to Ella's legs during bouts of screaming, she said "well you shouldn't walk on tip-toes should you Ella?"

That made me angry. For starters, I thought we'd established that Ella DOESN'T do it out of habit. And secondly, she was the one to refer us to the paed because she thinks its neurological, in which case ELLA CAN'T HELP IT.

Ella cried 99% of the time because she was so scared. It broke my heart to hear her cries and I had to hold her still. She had big fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

I guess after the casts she's just had enough. I've had enough.

I've been wondering if I'm doing the right thing by putting her through it all. Is it really such a bad thing that she walks on her toes? Maybe she WILL grow out of it in her own time.

So that's where we're at with Ella.

TTC:

Well AF was due either Saturday or this coming Wednesday. If it were Saturday its late, and if it's Wednesday, only 2-3 more days until testing. Fingers crossed.