So I got the letter in the mail confirming my appointment at KEMH the other day. It kinda reaffirmed the fact that it really does look like I'm heading south to have this baby.

The appointment was made for this Friday (WTF?) so I've had to ring up and cancel and make another at a more suitable time. Hubby has to get the time off work to take me, not to mention the fact that we were trying to get Ella's appointment at PMH Mobility Clinic for the same day.

Anyway, so I was on the phone to the (cranky) lady at KEMH and she proceeded to tell me that I cannot get an afternoon appointment, they only do mornings.

Well.Fucking.Great.

So the latest appointment I can have is for 10.15am, which means that we will have to leave at some horrible hour of the morning in order to make my appointment. Duane can only get the one day off (was hoping to drive down Friday, appointment Friday arvo, stay the night and drive back Saturday) so it's going to be such a rush.

I am so bloody annoyed at the whole damn thing. All this hassle for a bloody antenatal appointment. At a hospital I don't even WANT TO BIRTH AT, but alas, I have NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. God I am fuming.

Where is the compassion for us rural patients that have to travel just to give birth to our babies, at a hospital we've never been to before, hundreds of kilometres from our homes, family and friends?

Where has the choice gone for a women to birth where she'd like to? Gosh, I'd have the damn thing at home if I had the confidence to.

I really am irate at the moment. My mind is muddled from frustration.

I am just PRAYING TO GOD that I lose this weight and keep it off. God, please give me the strength.

A weighty issue

I must admit, I feel so very embarrassed when having to tell people I have been referred to a hospital in Perth to have the baby because I am too fat to have it here.

Most will often look a tad uncomfortable having asked the question in the first place, and a lot will just laugh and say "Oh don't be silly, you're not that big!"

They don't realise that it is actually true and I am not trying to have a light dig at my weight. I am too big to have my baby here. Hospitals orders.

A measly 3kgs is the difference between having my child here, amongst family and friends or 500kms in the middle of a large city where I feel uncomfortable at the best of times.

My husband told his mother about it yesterday and despite the fact that I don't want it to be taboo, at the same time I really am pissed off that he told her. I have barely got my (bright red) head around it myself and he has told his mum - who in turn will tell just about everyone in Geraldton as soon as she opens her mouth.

I haven't even told my mother yet. And I feel so ashamed.

I have looked into diets to help me lose those three kilos and hopefully keep them off for the next 19 weeks. But as much as I don't want to go to Perth I wonder whether it would be the best place for me and my baby to be. Given that it is likely the baby will be born above the 97% centile.

As I said in my last entry - I am really hoping to avoid complications like I had with Ella. I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt another baby.

Any attempt I make with my doctor to tell her about my fears seem somewhat "dismissed" and I am told that statistically, second babies are smaller than firsts. But the growth of this little one already is contradicting what she's said.

I guess only time will tell how this will all pan out. Patience is a virtue and one I seem not to have.

A small update, sort of.

Well, aren't I just the best blogger ever? Haha, so much for updating my now-pregnancy-blog.

Since my last post we've had a few appointments and scans for bub. I had a blood test at 17 weeks (I think) for alpha-fetal protein and all seems to be well there apparently (yay!) and my scan at 19 weeks.

Baby is 100% healthy so far and is growing well - perhaps a little TOO well...

It is still measuring a week ahead for dates which is scaring me, to be honest. I am kind of worried about having another big baby, or even worse - a baby BIGGER than what Ella was.

I was quite upset about it on the day after finding out, so I wrote this on an online forum I go to:

I had my 19 week ultrasound this morning.

I was feeling quietly confident that this baby was not going to be as big as it was at my 12 week, where it was measuring a week ahead in dates.

I've not felt movements as strong as I did with Ella, my bump, although big to look at, really isn't that big.

I've been avoiding sweet foods, on advice from my doctor. I have the occassional blow out (maybe once a week) because all I seem to crave this time around is sugary foods!

Anyway. Back to ultrasound.
Everything went well regarding baby's health. I am really happy about that. However baby is still measuring a week ahead in size.

Now I know that the dates can be out and it's not a big deal. But I looked back through all Ella's old ultrasounds and her growth was exactly the same (always a week ahead) and she was born 9lbs 9oz. I am holding out hope that this baby's growth evens out.

Although I know in my heart that is probably not going to happen. The thing that has me so worried is the fact that I don't think I could birth a bigger baby without doing it damage.

Ella got stuck and I was pushing for two hours trying to get her out. She was just about to be sucked out (ventouse) when I gave birth to her - and she was blue. She needed oxygen and stimulation. We're still yet to find out whether the has any brain damage or has Cerebral Palsy due to all this.

I don't think I could take that sort of risk with this baby - I know differently now.

If I know it's going to be bigger I don't have the confidence in myself to do it without thinking I'm going to end up causing this baby damage too and I just know that will impact on my confidence.

I know that all births are different and that I should just wait and see how things go but with all this hanging over my head, it's really hard to be positive about it all.

I'm sorry to ramble - my head is all over the place at the moment.

So yeah, obviously a bit freaked out! I'm feeling a lot better now. I am kinda of the opinion that I've done it before, I can do it again. As long as my care providers know exactly what my worries are, then all should be well. I hope.

Aside from all that, it seems as though my OWN weight is a problem too. I am pretty much on the weight threshold for our town despite losing 3kgs already this pregnancy. I've been referred to King Edward Memorial Hospital (KEMH) to have my baby - unless I can manage to lose around 3kgs and KEEP IT OFF.

Wow, I started this post with the intention of updating in depth but my mind has just gone to mush....maybe I should come back later!