Goodbye Mummy Milk

Avid readers (ha!) may recall my struggles and sentiment towards breastfeeding from earlier posts. I had such a hard time with Ella. Being a first time mum I was trying to do everything "right". If it wasn't in the baby book, or the way the child health nurse (CHN) said it was meant to go then it was wrong. Experience has taught me otherwise but I suffered for it back then. Breastfeeding had always been a huge thing to me. Even before I fell pregnant with Ella, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I am not sure why, it just seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. And I could only imagine giving my child the best in life. So Ella came along and our breastfeeding relationship started. She was a great feeder. Being 9lb 9oz she was a good size and needed her fill. We went really well for a few weeks. She and I were learning the art of breastfeeding together and life was good. I cant remember exactly when it was but at some point things went a bit pear shaped. It was a combination of things that led to the demise of breastfeeding attempt #1. But I guess the two that stand out the most was that she was fussy, always seeming hungry. And the fact she wasn't putting on "enough" weight. So after a week or so of turmoil, thinking I was starving my baby and I wasn't doing what I should be doing as a mother, she was weaned onto a bottle and breastfeeding was over. Consequently I began suffering from Postnatal Depression. The feeling of hopelessness, guilt and anger is something I will never forget. It was my job to feed my baby. Why wasnt it working? So anyway, a lot of emotional months followed, which I rue to this day. It robbed me of the precious few months with my baby and all because I couldn't breastfeed any longer. When we started TTC #2 (the birth of this blog) I promised myself, and my yet-to-be-conceived baby that I would do everything in my power to make this breastfeeding journey successful. The amount of study and research I did into breastfeeding was ridiculous. Different problems and how to fix them, the best breast pump and the list goes on. I wasn't ready to fail again. When Kristin finally came along we had a bumpy start. She had a few problems when she was born and required a hospital stay. A combination of an infection and low blood sugar levels meant that I was required to supplement feed her with high calorie formula. So her first few days were hell for me. Everything I had researched went out the window because I had the Nazi nurse from hell. I had to feed her from a bottle first and then feed her, despite me wanting to do the opposite, because according to the nurse she needed the sugars. I wanted a pump to express and she bought be a shoddy electric one which hardly worked. I wanted to syringe feed instead of bottle to avoid nipple confusion and I was told that only the premmies were syringe fed. I could have argued the point because deep down I knew I had the right to feed my baby however I chose, but after just giving birth to a sick child who had nearly died, I followed the advice of the "professionals" I had around me. So despite that rocky start we continued to breastfeed for 5.5 months, eventually giving it up because *somebody* started to prefer the supplement bottles we were giving her as a break for mummy as my milk supply gradually decreased. I tried so many things to keep it up. Expressing, drinking bottles and bottles of water, demand feeding, lactation cookies and foods....but alas it was not meant to be and eventually breastfeeding relationship #2 came to an end. I was sad, but for some reason I was okay. I guess because she had chosen to give up. I could still offer her milk but she didnt want it. It was her choice so I was okay when she no longer chose me. Sad, but okay. Which brings me to BF relationship #3....which has been such an amazing ride. Colton was also a big baby at 10lb 1oz. He fed a LOT. And that was okay with me. He was demand fed and although he took a while (a LONG while) to sleep through the night, we have had such an easy time compared to the girls! There have been no supply issues, maybe one or two blocked ducts and thats about it. We were going strong and he was quite a little feeder. He loved his mummy milk. Up until a few days ago. I had been having a few medical issues of which I had been ignoring for quite some time. Eventually I had to go to my doctor who did full bloodwork. Results came back and it turns out I can no longer ignore my health. An insulin resistant disease, add to that a thyroid condition and high cholesterol means that I have to go on medication to sort things out. One of which is not compatible with breastfeeding. So we came to an impasse. I am not ready to give up breastfeeding, and more-so, neither is Colton. We had been down to 2-3 feeds a day so nothing too much, but the thought of having to give up those special times saddens me. We had made it to a year, a huge milestone that I could only have hoped to reach after staring into his gorgeous face while he nuzzled my breast for his first ever feed. We made it 12 months, 365 days - an amazing feat for me. But alas, it has now been taken away from us. It wasn't a decision either of us made. And for that I am mourning the loss. I had considered slowly weaning him over a month or so and delay taking the meds but I know that if I tried that, it would only be harder when it came to the day to give it up forever. It was just delaying the inevitable. So Colton had his last breastfeed yesterday morning. I didn't realise at the time that it would be our last feed. Which in a way is good because I probably would've bawled all day otherwise. He had his first cup of cows milk tonight and I cried as he drank that. Looking at me with his amazing blue eyes and pulling faces. It was somewhat satisfying to see him hesitate to drink the milk. It's not "our" milk. But despite him pulling up my shirt a few times before he went to bed, we managed to get through the whole of today without a breastfeed. It's an achievement but a bittersweet one at that. I had decided to give him a feed if there was no way around it (ie: he was upset and only a breastfeed could settle him) but so far we haven't needed to. So I am feeling very sad that this is the end of breastfeeding relationship #3. Again, something out of my control, and not our decision. Feeling somewhat cheated after being able to feed for this long to only have it end this way. But I also feel incredibly proud of us for getting this far. 1 year is a great achievement and not often heard of anymore, but I am not really ready to acknowledge that just yet. I just feel sad, I need to mourn this loss and work out where to go from here. And maybe in a few months when I look back I can be proud. I will be healthy, and proud.